If I was ever to re-animate a dead body, I would name him “Angelina Jolie.” I bet that would really upset Angelina Jolie, the actress. I would laugh and tell her, “I bet it’s tough now that you’re not the only Angelina Jolie in town!” I really wish I knew how to raise the dead because I have a ton of good lines about Angelina Jolie.

• Once I was accused of “having a lot of nerve” but then I explained that we all have a lot of nerves. Billions of them. Then I informed them that if they had any other questions about the human body they could just use Wikipedia. It’s an excellent source of information. Also, fuck off.

• When a bunch of guys get together to play sports, we will often break off into teams consisting of “shirts” and “skins”, but when a bunch of women get together to play sports, instead of breaking off into teams, they just sit around and talk about their nails and fashion magazines. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Total burn on women and sports!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! What isn’t funny is when just about every woman I know is better at sports than I am. Stupid athletic women.

• When I’m having a meaningful conversation with someone, I’ll often say, “It’s like that old saying…” and leave it at that. Then the other person will say, “What? It’s like what old saying?” And then I’ll squint my eyes at them in an accusing manner and reply, “Don’t play dumb with me.” It’s funny how just about every meaningful conversation ends with hurt feelings.

• I got a spot right in front for the funeral and when they were lowering the casket, I turned to the guy beside me and whispered, “No offence to the departed or anything, but I heard he was a real dick.” Then the guy got all red in the face and said, “He was my brother!” And so I whispered back, “Sorry, I meant to say that his brother is a real dick.”

• I’m not an expert on etiquette or anything, but I do know that when you meet someone for the first time, you shouldn’t grab them and try to start wrestling. I know I wouldn’t like it very much.

• I’ve found that it can be difficult going through life with no moral compass. Or a regular compass for that matter. I frequently get lost while doing the wrong thing.

• If I was ever going to become a criminal, I think I would choose to be a rustler. Not many people would see that coming. They’d be all cool and collected, tending to their cattle when all of a sudden they would say, “What the heck, we’re missing 2 cows! What could have happened?!” I’ll tell you what happened… a rustler happened.

• I think the best answer to any question is, “Shut your stupid mouth”.

• Whenever girls laugh at me, it’s pretty clear that they find extreme sexiness hilarious.

• I think my lack of popularity is due to the fact that I continually ask women when the baby is due when they aren’t pregnant.

• Whenever I meet someone and they say that they’re “very pleased to meet me” I always hold up my hand and say, “Whoa buddy, you’re trying WAY too hard.”

• On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is the lowest and 10 is the highest, I would say that a 5 is pretty much right in the middle.

• People who live in glass houses should not throw stones. But people who live in houses that are made of ordinary building materials should not throw stones either.
Throwing stones is just plain rude AND dangerous. Someone could lose an eye.

• If you’re ever eating at a really fancy restaurant, don’t be afraid to order stuff that isn’t on the menu. For instance, you should always order Jello pudding for dessert.

• When someone tells me I’m too big for my britches, I tell them that I intend to start dieting very soon. Then I go and buy bigger britches.

• I think some people can be overly sensitive, especially when you try to compliment them on their pretty little mouths. Also, have you noticed that the word “creepy” is thrown around way too much?

• I beat up a 12 year old today but in my defense he looked older because he was pretty tall and had a thick moustache. When an onlooker said to me, “You just beat up a kid, do you feel like a big man?” Yeah, I really did. Kids are a lot tougher nowadays because of all the steroids they put in food. Then I stole his BMX and popped wheelies up and down the street in front of his house.

• I really wanted a bowl of cereal but there was only a little bit left in the box, so I grabbed another brand of cereal and there was only a bit in there too. So I mixed the two cereals together and ate it. And y'know what? It wasn't bad.
Yeah, like everything YOU do is so goddamn interesting!!!!!

• Sometimes I go to the mall and challenge senior citizen mall walkers to races. I’ll say, “Hey Leroy, let’s race to The Gap, first one there gets the other guy’s medications.” I don’t want to brag, but I’ve won all my races. So far none of them have accepted my challenge, but I’ll just run to the Gap anyway and then wait for them to amble up and then forcibly take their meds (and sometimes their wallets). They call it “mugging”, but obviously they don’t know anything about sportsmanship and I won those races fair and square.
On an unrelated note, let me know if you want to buy some pills.