• Most people know that when I go to the clubs, I do a lot of hip thrusting when I dance. The ladies sure appreciate that, but sometimes it isn’t enough to “seal the deal” if you know what I mean. Sure, driving a hot car like maybe a “Turismo” and wearing fancy “threads” helps, but the secret is (and I cannot stress this enough) is to build up a tolerance to pepper spray. Otherwise you’re just going to be another lame-o dancin’ so-lo. Words to live by for all you hot mamas and pimp daddies! Sometimes I secretly wish that I wasn’t as cool as I am… but not often.

• Here’s a good tip: If you’re going to threaten someone by saying that you’ll stab them in the neck with a syringe, make sure you actually have a syringe. Otherwise they’ll just call your bluff. Then you’ll look like a real putz, trying to stab them with a pencil or your keys or whatever you have handy.

• One of the things that you should know about me is I’m a big time soccer hooligan. For instance, when my club (Britannia Community Pee Wee Team – The Hawks, ages 9 to 12) are playing our arch rivals (Mayfield Community Pee Wee Team – The Cougars) I always show up blitzed out of my mind and chanting, “OLE, OLE, OLE, OLE) and then throw a lawn chair at the referee (Mrs. Mary Williamson). Even though all the parents and the police have told me to “just stay home…please” I don’t. They just can’t seem to grasp my commitment to hooliganism. I don’t even know any of the players, or the rules or why they don’t just pick up the ball and run with it because that would make a lot more sense. Anyway, OLE!

• Sometimes, you just have to do the right thing. For instance, people wearing fur don’t really bother me in an ethical sense, but that doesn’t stop me from throwing paint on them. And even though I eat meat, when I see someone eating a hamburger, I still like to stand right beside them and scream “MURDERER!!!” over and over. Also, if I catch someone jaywalking, I call 911 to report them. I’m a real do-gooder. Also, watch your back.

• If you’re going to greet everybody by saying, “Hey Hot Stuff!” you should make sure that you still do it to people who, let’s be honest, aren’t that hot. If you call out “Hey Hot Stuff!” and some unattractive person is nearby, you shouldn’t shout, “I wasn’t talking to you! Obviously you’re not that hot! I mean, maybe you have a nice personality, but that still doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t very good looking! Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some people may have told you that you are an attractive person but they were probably just being nice and bending the truth a little so your feelings weren’t hurt! Sometimes people will tell a little fib with the best of intentions! I’m sure you have a lot going for you outside of the looks department! I bet you’re very talented in other areas of your life! Anyway, hi!” As you can see, that kind of a greeting would take way too long so obviously you should just call everyone Hot Stuff. Or, you could just say “hi” and leave out the whole Hot Stuff part. That would work too.

• Ever notice that when you see someone really good looking, they always remind you of me? I bet that happens to you all the time.

• Isn’t it ironic that I have no idea what irony is? No, I guess it isn’t.

• You know what just doesn’t pan out anymore? Pretending that the finger you’re pointing inside your jacket pocket is a gun. People just don’t have a lot of trust nowadays, not like in The Flintstones where it seemed to work every time. It just goes to show that TV, while being an excellent babysitter, is also sometimes a big liar. Also, if anyone has any bail money handy, that would be super.

• Whenever I think a job interview isn’t going all that well, I’ll pick 3 random objects from the employer’s desk and begin to juggle them. Then I’ll say, “I bet those other candidates can’t do this!!!” But it never quite works out as planned because I never learned to juggle.

• You know who I discovered is a real douche bag? That emperor Caligula. I was just reading about him and all the nasty stuff he used to do and I just wish I could go back in time so I could confront him about it. You know what I would call him? You guessed it… a douche bag.

• Not many people are aware that I can be a really competitive person. That’s why I always get the last word in and end every conversation by saying, “Check mate” with a really smug look on my face. I like everyone to know that I just got something over on them, even if, technically, we were just talking about the weather or something.

• Whenever I’m at a cocktail party and end up gassy from drinking too many fancy drinks like “Manhattans”, “Cosmopolitans” and “Whiskey”, I cover up by loudly accusing the hostess of “continually farting”. Sometimes being a waiter is a tough job to hang onto.

• Do you ever wish upon a star and immediately afterward that exact same star turns red and falls from the sky? Me neither, but I bet that would serve as a pretty definitive “no” in regards to your wish.

• My mom once told me that a gentleman should always carry a handkerchief with him at all times just in case a lady cries. I think that’s good advice but the problem is that you might find yourself carrying around that handkerchief for a long time until you find yourself around a woman in tears. Fortunately I’ve learned that as a shortcut, you can always say, “Those pants make you look really fat.” Then you’ll be ready to go with that handkerchief! Which, incidentally, also works on your own bloody nose if you get punched for saying that stuff about the pants.