• There are some comparisons that only work one way. Like no one ever looks at a baby’s butt and says, “That’s as smooth as my recently shaved face!” Also worth noting: you shouldn’t ever look at a baby’s butt, but if you do, keep your remarks to yourself.
• If you ever find yourself kidnapped and dragged off to a foreign country, only to wake up to discover that you have to participate in a Greco Roman style wrestling match to the death, my advice is to get onto the mat and then whip out a switchblade and say, “Let’s dance motherfucker.” That kind of coarse language, along with the switchblade, will really intimidate your opponent. Let’s say, just for argument sake, that you don’t have a switchblade on you, or perhaps the kidnappers took your lucky switchblade away before the match, then my suggestion is instead of following the regular rules of Greco Roman style wrestling where biting isn’t allowed, is to bite them. Obviously I’ve given this a fair bit of thought but really, it all boils down to common sense.
• If I was a wasp, I would only buzz around people with curly hair, just to give them a complex. They would wave their hands and arms around, trying to get rid of me, frantically asking, “Why are you only buzzing around me?!?!” Then I would go right by their ears and say, “It’s because of your hair. Hee hee hee.” Oh, you know what else I wish for? I wish I had more free time.
• Whenever I get to the front of a long line at the store and I inform the clerk that I “forgot” my wallet, I will turn the person behind me and ask them to pay for my stuff. If they act all snooty about it I say, “Hey cheapskate, if you’re so poor maybe you should ask your mom to bump your allowance.” That almost never shuts them up but causes even more trouble. Sometimes enough trouble for me to sneak out of the store during the melee and then nobody has to pay for my stuff. It’s a win-win.
• Always carry a pencil with you! You never know when you might find yourself at a crime scene and need to pick up some evidence without contaminating the scene with your fingerprints. Also, they’re good for poking people if you need some attention. Then, when they turn around ask them, “Do you think I would get lead poisoning if I ate this entire pencil?” Then quickly follow up with this other question, “Hey, how much will you give me to eat this pencil?” Based on my experience in these matters, you might find yourself walking away with a cool five bucks.
• One of the things that I like to do if I’m sitting in a waiting room is to look over at someone else, cup my hands around my mouth and go, “CA-CAW! CA-CAW!” Then I’ll repeat it a few seconds later. “CA-CAW! CA-CAW!” Then I’ll fake whisper to them, “You forgot the signal again!” Which just goes to show that I would make an awesome secret agent.
• Most people don’t realize that I can be a real hothead. One of the things that really makes me fly off the handle is when people automatically assume that I’m either a male model or a movie star. It just burns me up! On an unrelated topic, you know what’s a really fun thing to do? Using only your imagination, pretend that everyone thinks you’re super good looking.
If you ever see someone getting caught on fire, like especially below the waist, you should turn to the person next to you and say, “I bet that guy’s a liar.” If they have any kind of sense of humor, you can share a good laugh. But chances are they might just scream, “Call 9-1-1!!!! That poor man is on fire!!!”
• Being a really quick thinker has gotten me out of quite a few jams in my day. Like one time, this guy asked me to borrow 5 bucks but instead of lending him the money or coming up with some kind of excuse why I couldn’t, I threw a handful of sand into his face and ran away. As I ran, I heard him say, “What kind of an idiot keeps a pocket full of sand???!!!” An idiot with 5 bucks, that’s who.
• If you’re ever in a situation where you’re with someone and there’s an awkward silence, try this as a conversation starter: “Hey, what’s up with those birds? Crazy stuff, right?” If they act like they have no idea what you’re talking about, try making up a good story involving birds. That should help get things rolling.
• They estimated the property damage at well over 10 million dollars, the number of wounded was close to a hundred and most experts agree that after all is said and done, those involved would require months, if not years, of therapy. Which just goes to show that you should never run with scissors. Oh wait, did I forget to mention that part of the story where I was running with scissors? Well, I was and just look what happened!
• Sometimes I find that I don’t get the attention that I deserve so I’ve taken to carrying a whip (much like Indiana Jones). The only problem is that I don’t know how to use it properly so I always end up screaming, “Hey, give me some attention!!” and then I throw the whip at someone’s head. The downside is that I always have to politely ask that person to “please give me that whip back.” I’m thinking of getting a gun. Just to fire some shots into the air before I say something profound. That seems like an idea without a trace of flaws.
• People in the business world appreciate those special types who play by their own rules. For instance, when I go into a business meeting, I bring a hamburger with me and when it looks like someone is going to ask me a question, I take a huge bite. Then I hold up a finger while I’m chewing, giving them the impression that I’ll answer as soon as I finish my mouthful of tasty hamburger. Then, once I’m done, I take another big bite. The thing is, I hate meetings.
• When I go to a party, I like to put about 10 pieces of bubble gum in my mouth and go up to a stranger and mumble, “I’m going for the World Record for the largest bubble ever made from 10 pieces of bubble gum.” Then I’ll purposely spit the entire wad of gum into their hair. Then I’ll apologize by saying, “Oh well, at least I still hold the world record for being a lot cooler than you.” My only regret is not attending more parties. Possibly you could invite me more? Think it over.
• I’m a very discerning movie lover. Like after the cable guy has all that sex with the lonely housewife, I would like to see him actually fix the cable.
