• Whenever I go to the gym, I’ll go up to some huge muscle-bound dude and ask him how much he can “bench”. No matter what he says, I reply, “That’s not what your mom told me.” The great thing about mom jokes is that they work in every single situation. Like if you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks what time it is, just say, “Your mom is fat.” Jokes are the best.

• Do you think the Boogie Man got his name because he really likes to boogie? If that’s the case, there’s really nothing to be afraid of. Personally, I would be more scared of the Line Dancing Man.

• If you ever pass someone walking their dog, you should exclaim in a loud voice, “I can’t remember the last time I ate a dog! You just can’t get good dog around here!” Dog owners love that kind of stuff. Although in all seriousness, I’ve heard that in certain places in the world, eating dog is really frowned upon. You know what you should have instead? Chicken nuggets. Or, if you're a vegetarian, try some sprouts. I have no idea what those are but they sound delicious.

• The biggest trick you can pull off in a job interview is to maintain eye contact and to keep a straight face when you tell them that “being sexy” is your greatest strength. If they ask you what your greatest weakness is, say, “Right now… you.” Then wink at them.
• I don’t know about you guys, but whenever I’m lost in the woods and come across a gingerbread house, I always think about Hansel and Gretel. Every. Single. Time.

• “If I could be any character from Game of Thrones, I would be Han Solo.” And then I was chased by a gang of furious nerds. Fortunately their virginity slowed them down long enough for me to escape. Just kidding nerds… we’re good right? May the force let you live long and prosper.

• One of the things that really gets my goat is when people sneak into my yard and steal my goat. HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh man, it doesn’t get any better than that.

• Technically speaking, I’m a ghost hunter. But strictly catch and release, because that’s the sportsmanlike way to do it. Unless it’s a real trophy quality ghost… those ones I stuff and mount on my wall. Even though you can’t see them with your inferior mortal eyes.

• After spending months learning Spanish, my favorite phrase to use is probably, “Hey chicka, do you want to do the boom-boom?” Which means,
“Can you please tell me where the library is?” The Spanish are a very passionate people when it comes to their libraries.

• Sometimes when nature gets too big for its britches by having tornadoes and volcanic eruptions, I like to turn the tables by going to the zoo and throwing my poo at the monkeys. Let’s see how nature likes that.

• Recently in the Senate, there has been a lot of debate about what the best superpower is. Many favour super strength or the ability to fly and they make some pretty good arguments but be on the lookout for those guys who want x-ray vision or the ability to be invisible. Those guys definitely wouldn’t use those powers for good. Hint: they are perverts.

• Sometimes I think the best thing about moths is that they like banging into lights. Over and over again, like they’re completely stupid or something.

• Lions are known as “The king of the jungle” but the thing is, lions really don’t spend a lot of time in jungles. They mostly hang out in those grassy plains in Africa chasing gazelles and what not. You know who the real king of the jungle is? Probably some really smart monkey. That would be my guess.

• The worst thing about endangering your own existence by messing with the space/time continuum is…

• I for one am dreading the day that puppies and kittens make the next evolutionary leap and take vengeance on their owner/overlords by shooting laser beams from their eyes. Wait, can I change my answer from “dreading” to “greatly anticipating”?

• If you ever find yourself with access to a time machine, don’t go back to the days of the dinosaurs. It’s essentially the same thing as camping. Except you might run into a dinosaur.

• I would have been a world class gymnast but I could never master any of the moves, especially the straightforward summersault. It’s a shame too, because I was always excellent at getting my hands all chalky.

• It’s a little known fact that 90% of the people in Japan are named “Mr. Roboto.” That’s one of the main reasons they’re such an industrious people. That and they eat a lot of sugary snacks. Have you ever noticed that facts are stupid?

• If there’s one thing that advanced algebra has taught me is that if we’re ever under attack by an army of zombies, the first thing I’m going to do is change into a werewolf. Those zombies would be all, “Whaaaaat?”

By the way, everything I’ve just typed is about real stuff. Except the part about learning something from algebra.