• If you ever get stopped by the cops, roll your window down and as they walk up to the car, shut your eyes really tight and fervently whisper, over and over, “Please don’t look in the trunk! Please don’t look in the trunk!” Then look over at them and laugh nervously. If they have a good sense of humour, they’ll join you in a good laugh. However, if they are in one their moods, you may be tazered. But on the bright side, you’ll get to yell, “Don’t taze me, bro!!!” That will make a great story to tell at cocktail parties. Hey, how come we don’t have those anymore? Cocktail parties. Think about it.

• Although science has proven conclusively that every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings, it really has fallen short when it comes to explaining the phenomena of why it sometimes rains. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why the survival of our crops depends on human sacrifice.

• Even in this miraculous age of iPhones, VCRs and Sony Walkmans, there are some things that just have to be taken on faith. If you’re walking around out there without some kind of lucky talisman, like a rabbit’s foot or a Beretta 9mm, you’re just asking for trouble.

• I’m not sure I’m what people call a trend setter, but just between you and me, be on the lookout for people referring to their jeans as “cowboy trousers.” I started that.

• Whenever I find myself at a high society get together, I don’t like to discuss art, politics or history, because all those things are lame. What I do like, however, is comic strips. Sometimes I get so passionate about it that I’ll interrupt a group of people talking about something boring and say, “Did you guys check out the latest Marmaduke comic strip? That dog is CRAZY!” I’m what you might call, “a breath of fresh air” and I bet those richies appreciate that.

• I’m pretty sure it’s a compliment when a woman says, “After seeing you naked, I’m surprised you don’t drive an expensive sports car.” I usually reply (with a sexy wink), “Thanks, I think you’re super cool too.”

• If I had to go through life with only one kind of vase, I would pick a Ming Vase. Those seem to be the best on the market. Also, when it comes to decorative, bejewelled eggs, I always choose Faberge. Those bastards really know how to make a goddamn egg. Also, if I had to pick the best all-boy chorale singing in Austria, nobody even comes close to the Vienna Boys Choir. Those little kids can bang out a tune like it’s nobody’s business. Basically, I hate taking a controversial stance on anything.

• Don’t mess around with your health because you never know if you’ll catch some kind of stupid disease. I don’t have to worry about that stuff because I’ve purchased all kinds of back up organs on the black market. If something goes, I’ve got a replacement handy because you never know when you’re going to need a spare liver or two. So if you ever run across someone bragging about how great their kidneys are, let me know and I’ll keep my eye on them. Y’know, just in case.

• I used to wonder why everyone would aim at me during Dodgeball games, but fortunately my mom cleared that up by explaining that they were just jealous of me being so handsome. Apparently that’s also the reason I didn’t go out on dates.

• Sometimes I like to walk around wearing really huge headphones and approach people, asking them in an overly loud voice for directions. When they answer, I yell back, “I can’t hear you because I’m listening to really loud music!!!” If they make a face or something, I usually follow up by yelling again, “Do you like Glen Campbell?” Then I’ll yell it again even louder, “I said do you like the country singer Glen Campbell?” Then I’ll wait for a second or two and shout, “I hate Glen Campbell! I’m listening to Mozart!!!” People generally get a kick out of me.

• If you ever think that life can’t possibly get any weirder, just think about that time a huge sea monster ate a submarine full of bison. There’s a slim chance that might have been a dream. But still, even if it was just a dream… pretty weird huh?