• When I’m playing high stakes poker with shady “businessmen” I like to lean in close and sneer, “Go fish.” We all laugh and laugh, sometimes even hours later when we’re burying the bodies. It’s just one of those jokes that never gets old.

• You know how frustrating it is when someone will insult you and you can’t think of a really snappy comeback until hours later? Well just the other day that exact thing happened to me with some goofus. Boy was I steamed! But later that night I went to his house and when he answered the door I yelled, “YOU’RE the ignoramus!!!” He was really smug and said all sarcastic like, “Oh, great comeback.” So I screamed, “HAI YA!!!” and karate chopped him in the neck.

• It was the perfect setting: The lights were dimmed, soft music was playing in the background and the candle was casting a flickering, sultry light that danced against the walls. I was lost in the romance of the moment so I stood up and took my clothes off. Then the waiter showed up and ruined everything.

• With each passing day, the chances are growing slimmer and slimmer of me being the first person to walk on Mars. I won’t say that I’ve wasted the years away, but I sure could have spent less time watching TV and more on “astronaut training”.

• Here’s something hilarious that you can do if you’re in a seafood restaurant: stand up on your chair and loudly yell (so that everyone can hear you), “There’s something fishy going on here!!!” Then wait for the laughs to wash over you like the sweet, sweet love and attention that my parents never gave me.

• In the whole spirit of “paying it forward” I will often approach strangers on the street that look kind of down and say, “Hey buddy, you look like you could use a hug.” When they refuse, I yell at them, “Not that YOU care, but I could have used one!!!!” That always makes them feel worse.

• It’s a scientific fact that anyone more successful than me got that way through magic spells and voodoo. They may argue that they attained their success through hard work and persistence but don’t be fooled… it was mostly the voodoo.

• I have to say, I thought I knew pretty much everything there was to know about nature but I was pretty darn surprised when all of a sudden rain seemed to be falling right out of the clouds.

• Being rejected from the Big Brother program hasn’t slowed me down a bit. A while back I told some kid that if he wants to make it with the popular kids at his junior high school then he’d better rethink his whole stance on “not smoking crack.” “Sometimes,” I told him, “You have to go outside your comfort zone.” The last I heard he was living under a bridge. That crazy kid and his wacky adventures! I wonder if he ever made it with those cool kids he admired so much.

• I think the best part about being involved in a gang related shoot-out is the whole “going out for ice cream” afterwards.

• Say what you want about how cute the Smurfs are, but to me, they’ll always be the marauding thugs who invaded Poland. I’m pretty certain that was them.