I bet you’ve seen those memes where it shows some cartoon or some image from when you were a kid and it says, “If you recognize this cartoon, you had an awesome childhood.” I call baloney sandwiches on that, because even though I have fond memories of Scooby Doo, I also remember my odious big brother sneaking up behind me and doling out a wet willy if he was in a good mood or punching me in the arm if he was in a great mood. Those are the kind of things that made my childhood not awesome. I lived in a constant state of perpetual fear, like a neurotic bunny being pursued by a drooling, adolescent hyena, giggling in that stupid hyena way that they do when they give someone a two knuckle noogie when that someone is minding their own business, walking to the living room from the kitchen whilst trying to balance a bowl of cereal, a glass of chocolate milk and a copy of Mad Magazine that yes, they still publish and no, isn’t that funny but whatever, it’s better than carrying around the latest issue of Time Magazine. I know that my analogy about the rabbit and the hyena kind of fell apart there, but hopefully you get my point. That being, even if you remember some dumb cartoon, that is no guarantee that you had a good childhood. However, I can safely say that you probably had a fairly good childhood if you aren’t familiar with the phrase, “Two for flinching.”
Thanks to the wonder of syndicated tv shows, I have watched every single episode of Friends at least 14 times. It is shown on no less than 80 channels at any given time of day so that whenever I get bored of life, I can plop down and watch the antics of Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Monica. When I consider all six of those characters and their various personalities, I think the one I relate to the most is Jerry Seinfeld, whose show is also syndicated. As of this writing, Friends has been off the air for a hundred and twelve years, but the story lines are timeless and still applicable to today. For example: monkeys, coffee, dating and cordless phones with really long antennas are still very prevalent today. Oh hey, how weird is it that after all these years, Jennifer Anniston still looks smoking hot and Courtney Cox looks like she’s 70 years old but had so much plastic surgery that her face looks like instead of getting real plastic surgery, she had a bunch of 7-year-olds stick Papier-Mache all over her face. Do you think it’s because Jennifer Anniston made a deal with the devil for perpetual hotness and Courtney Cox also made a deal with the devil, except it was to own a bunch of 7-year-olds to do her bidding? Something to think about anyway.
Last year for Christmas, my parents got me a set of weights. I was hoping for a new Playstation, but apparently my folks figured that me getting all burly and ripped was better than enjoying my life. I have lugged them into my room (the weights, not my parents) and arranged them in a neat pile according to size and weight and that’s where they have remained, untouched but not unwatched. I stare at them sometimes and think, “I should start doing something with those things, like lifting them I guess.” I feel them staring back at me and calling me names like “scrawny”, “wussy”, “weak” and “super cute” (because not everything is mean all the time). I’ve watched a few Youtube videos about bodybuilding. Well, videos of bodybuilding women anyway. I think those buff babes would love a svelte and lithe fella who happens to be using my toothbrush and wearing my underwear (me). They would be like, “We’re sick and tired of those steroid morons hitting on us at the gym, flexing their stupid biceps and triceps and glutes at us! We want a sensitive guy, a real man who isn’t afraid to be himself, also being a little on the skinny side and maybe a bit clumsy, who we can carry around and kiss all the time if he’s into that.” I bet those chicks would appreciate a guy with a nicely developed personality, a six pack (of Pepsi) and a pumped-up sense of humour. See what I did there? I cleverly changed weightlifting terms with non-weightlifting attributes. That’s the kind of thing that I excel at! Not hoisting a bunch of weights around like a complete dolt! Instead of trying to make me a better person, my parents should be focused on nurturing my natural talents and hey, here’s an idea – get me a new Playstation!